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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

The wimp factor strikes again. In case you've forgotten, let me remind you of the ad New York Mayor Ed Koch placed in the New York Times around the beginning of March. After a New York policeman was killed by drug dealers, Koch shelled out $12,900 for a full page ad. Among other things Koch said that we are in a war with drug pushers and the commander-in-chief (meaning Reagan) is acting like a wimp. Koch said that we ought to cut off aid to Mexico, Panama and other places that supply the country's heroin, cocaine, and pot.

Now there's three things you don't do in life. You don't spit in the wind. You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger. And you don't call Ronald Reagan a wimp. George Bush—maybe. He'll just stomp his feet a little and trip over a few words. But not Ronald Reagan. You might start World War III.

After all, this is the man who helped win the ear in "Hellcats of the Navy." He was America's best football player in "knute Rockne—All American." And on "Death Valley Days" as a cowboy, he was rugged American individualism personified. And the networks actually have film clips of this man chopping wood on this California ranch. In a t-shirt, for God's sake. With a little sweat showing under his armpits.

Ed Koch called this man a wimp? This is the man who, during diplomatic maneuverings with the Russians, uttered the two words that will forever be immortalized in fifth grade history textbooks. Standing steadfast before the crafty treachery of the Evil Empire, Ronald Reagan claimed victory by calmly declaring, "They blinked." Can you imagine when they make the movie? Ronnie will be there in his sweaty T-shirt, facing in to the wind tunnel they used for "Superman," black-dyed hair blowing back, staring ahead, ramrod straight, saying, "They blinked."

And Ed Koch called him a wimp! How dare he. Just for that we tried to starve out Panamanian cleaning ladies and cab drivers. We put the economic squeeze on Panama because that was supposed to get rid of General Manuel Noriega—a multi-talented man who had the ability to run drugs and work for the CIA at the same time. And all this because Ed Koch said Reagan was a wimp for not dealing with the drugs coming from Panama. Watch out Mexico: Koch talked about you guys too.

Ah! Ronald Reagan. He's a writer's dream. If you lack a subject to write about, Ronnie will there to help fill the void. A real stand-by guy. In him stupidity, incompetence and bronze-age policies coalesce into one historical figure. He is going to leave behind a legacy of stories that will be hard to match by any writer of fiction.

For example. At the press conference after the recent NATO summit meeting, Reagan read the communique summing up the conference. Later one reports asked him if he was satisfied with the document. And what was Ronnie's reply? "I haven't seen it yet."

Peter Sellers should have been so good. Ronald Reagan has got to be one of the stupidest men to have inhabited the White House. I can't wait until he's out of there and his former cronies start writing their books about what went on in the Reagan White House. It should make for some entertaining reading.

Actually, the books have started. Former presidential spokesman Larry speakes has one out. He says that preparing Ronald Reagan to meet the press was among his biggest challenges. That, of course, is not surprise: you have to speak without a script.

Speakes called Vice President George Bush "the perfect yes-man." Is that something like a wimp? Bush better hope that Ed Koch doesn't read Speakes' book. If Jesse Jackson isn't the Democratic nominee, Koch will be shouting wimp from now until November. (But then if Jackson somehow gets nominated, Koch might show his true colors and try to out-wimp Bush.)

Speakes also said that at times he made up quotes for Reagan. Ronnie, of course, didn't know anything about it. So much fuss was made over Speakes admitting that he did this, but so what? Somebody's got to do the job. Ronnie hasn't known what's going on for eight years. It might as well be Speakes as anyone else. Certainly he would be a better choice than (as revealed in the next "insider" book, this one by ex chief of staff Don Reagan) a crystal-ball gazing astrological buddy of Nancy. Or than Ed Meese.

And speaking of Meese, there's trouble over at the Justice Department where Ronnie's loyal friend of 20 years got caught with his hands in the cookie jar. You think Ronnie can fix this one? Maybe he'll send Meese down to straighten out Mexico. That ought to scare the cocaine out of them. Either that or they'll have to put locks on the cookie jar.

GRENADE OF THE MONTH

Did you know who is weakening the moral fiber of this country? Mothers, that's who. So says former commandant of the Marine Corps, General P.X. Kelley. Are mothers running cocaine into New York City? No. Kelley was just trying to explain Ollie North's behavior and the behavior of the marines in the Moscow embassy who allegedly traded embassy secrets for sexual favors.

It's the mother. P.X. Kelley says that 50% of the mothers work today, and that means the kids are stuck in "some nameless, faceless child care center." That's funny, I thought the problem was that there weren't enough childcare centers around the country so that mothers, many of whom are single, had a place to put the kids so they could work to bring home the bread to feed the kids. Maybe P.X. Kelley didn't think of it that way. After a lifetime of three hots and a cot in the Marine Corps, he forgot how it is in the real world.

Oh well: at least we know where Ollie North went wrong. It was back in the local Mother Goose nursery when he was just a tot. Some nameless, faceless subversive caretaker planted some evil notions in his head. Probably told him that there's three things you don't do in life. You don't spit in the wind. You don' pull the mask off the Old Lone Ranger. And you don't let anybody call you a wimp.

So, P.X. Kelley should get the grenade this time for making a statement so stupid it was worthy of Ronald Reagan. He's an insult to working mothers of this country who do their best to raise their children. One thing about P.X. Kelley. Like Ronald Reagan, he's no wimp.. Just a real mother.