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Letter To VVAW

By Tom Baxter

Friends,

I have seen friends in pain, dead and dying, far less than many folks; I still suffer from survivor's guilt. Did I push them too hard? Not hard enough? Did I always do my best? If so, my best was scarcely good enough. If only I did something different, was not a lazy, incompetent sinner, worked harder, better, faster, maybe they'd be walking around instead of being buried, hooked to machines, or in chairs.

This is a pile of crap. Intellectually, I know I am not responsible for any of the two million dead and years of pain; I know the system did it to us, but my gut does not believe. Put a gun in a "Christian Soldier's" hand; call him an NCO; send him to where millions were murdered for less than nothing; let him live - the boy is going to have head problems.

As I pass through middle age, again my friends are dying, I have come on what I feel is a great truth. When your friends are maimed, mutilated and/or dying, when you can't talk to them without crying, when you are again totally impotent, when there is no one to fight except death, do not say, "Call me if you need anything." Write them a letter offering to do dishes, bathrooms, lawn, shopping, etc. Do what you have offered to do. You may not affect the final outcome, but it is easier to live (with) survivor's guilt. Contact you mutual friends. Give some relief to their caretakers. I wish I did this when Tom died, but I didn't. I will not let another friend go without my maximal effort.

Mother Jones said, "Pray for the dead; fight like hell for the living." I held this to be one of the central truths in my life for twenty years. I've tried to stop the murder machine for a quarter of a century; I do not think I will ever stop, but I can't leave the wounded behind.

Tom Baxter

Vietnam 67-69