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An Open Letter to the Warriors: Past, Present & Future

By Calixto Cabrera

Calixto Cabrera at Winter Soldier: Iraq & Afghanistan

It's been several weeks since I attended Winter Soldier 2: Iraq & Afghanistan, at the National Labor College in Silver Springs, MD, March 14-16, 2008. It was déjà vu all over again. Same damaged souls, same tormented psyches, same thousand mile stares. Only this time it wasn't me, or any of my fellow Vietnam veterans, but veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan. The places and the stories were different, but the horror, the shock, the detachment, the rage and remorse are all too familiar.

As I listened to the testimony I cried quietly to myself. I experienced my own anger rise as I felt that somehow in some way I should have protected this generation from this journey into hell. I did not, I could not protect them.

Now all of you must begin the long arduous journey to heal if you are to recapture your humanity, and more importantly, your peace of mind. God, I hope and pray that you choose your path well. For it is obvious to me that not all of the veterans of Vietnam, Korea or World War II have chosen to make the journey back to themselves.

In a convoluted and insane kind of way, the war you fought will be the easy part. For now, the enemy is no longer outside shooting in, but inside causing havoc with your thoughts and feelings - causing you to see, to hear, to taste and smell those events over and over again, until it feels like your heart will implode from a sadness so profound, from a darkness so complete, that no light anywhere can get in.

You Iraq and Afghan vets have taken an important first step on the road to healing. You have told your story or at least a part of it. Tell it again and again, as much and as often as you need to, to whomever will listen. Don't be discouraged by the pain and the crying each time you tell your truth because it is part and parcel of the tale. Actually, welcome it, for it will be part of the cleansing your body and soul will need if you are to get through this and feel like a whole human being again.

During those first few years after my return from the war, I felt like a monster, a creature lower than an animal. For how could I in the name of "God and Country" do the things I did? It just didn't compute.

• I took shelter in my anger, for it was large and all-consuming.
• I railed against the government and their representative on the street, the police.
• I decided that I had been betrayed by my government and I wanted justice.
• If I couldn't get justice, than payback would suffice.
• I was a ticking time bomb.

In all honesty brothers and sisters, the thoughts that ran through my head back then were so crazed, that I scared myself. I was the personification of the crazed Vietnam vet. I carried a gun (military 45). I slept with it under my pillow. I pondered killing cops for I had changed the face of the enemy to them.

I was not ready to end the war.

It was by the grace of God that I did not follow through with some of my intentions at the time. I had great feelings of guilt for having left my troops behind. But strangely, I didn't leave them behind. We all came home together. So, go figure.

It was a hard path you patriots walked, and it may be a harder one that you have yet to walk. In looking at my own "Hard Walked Path," time and time again, I discovered answers to questions I didn't even know I had. Like, "Why did I get sick when I saw my first kill? After all, this is what I trained for in boot camp and ITR, right?" Although it was a process, I slowly came to terms with what I did. That allowed me crucial insight into why I did it.

It took me 21-1/2 years before I crested the mountain of my hate, rage and self loathing, to come to terms with this new view. This brought me peace of mind, and as a result, I forgave myself. Maybe your journey will be shorter. It all sounds so simple now, but it required a revolutionary change in my thinking.

Finally, let me say this to all you warriors: I am an ordinary guy who underwent an extraordinary experience, just as you have. It damaged my mind, wounded my heart deeply and caused years of rage - but I have come out the other side, a better man for it.

There is a saying, "That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." But it doesn't necessarily make you happier or allow you to enjoy life more. Those two elements - happiness and joy - are what I'm working on now to make these healings even sweeter.

If I was able to crest my mountain, you can crest yours.

To be continued.

Alfredo Cabrera