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Lost World

By Dennis Ray Sutton

I've known war, death and the misery that humankind is capable of personally, and as a sensitive human being that was raised by good parents to love our fellow man it crushed my spirit to be in war at such a young age. I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone.

There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. What I, and my fellow comrades in arms did and were capable of doing to other human beings killed my inner spirit, changed the entity inside me that was innocent and loved everyone, I came back home to a "Lost World," filled with suspicion, bitterness and hatred for what I had done, what I was witness to and partook of with glee.

I wandered the streets of a small town for a decade as a half human, drunk, drug dependent, and alone, except for occasional women I picked up at the bars for comfort. I have never recovered and have proven incapable of giving love this is evident from three failed marriages. My second wife Deb has always been, and is still, my only love. However, I have never been capable of expressing or showing her the real feelings I have so deep inside.

I feared hurting anything I loved, so, I retreated inside, alone, saddened and living in despair. Perhaps the only entity that truly knows my love is Cody, my little dog. Although I have suffered inside because I have noticed I cannot express the love I feel for this great little guy, and hold back my true joy he brings. He has been my salvation during some dark moments. Thank God I have him.

I really do not know one moment to the next what will become of me and what action I will take towards my dilemma and myself. My faith in God is strong, however, I too am human and weaken at times.

My country could and should help me by awarding me my PTSD benefits for what has been a destructive life long issue in dealing with the war and my partaking of it with such a short duration of human onslaught and horror. My young life quality has been taken from me because of these actions and the horror I witnessed and was exposed too, explosions, small arms fire, death and maimed little children, mistrust, hatred from soulless eyes, and carnage, three marriages destroyed, and destroyed by a war which was inhumane and demanding on the soul of a young man who died in 1970.

I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, love, empathy.

Dennis Ray Sutton is a Veteran. He was in Vietnam with the 7th ARVN Airborne Rangers/TDY 377th CESCSG, Vietnam/Cambodia