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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

Well, the Inauguration is over and now we've got the Bonzo in for another four years— that is, if he doesn't get us all nuked. So, how did it happen? How did this guy who falls asleep in his own Cabinet meetings get re-elected in a landslide? Maybe it was the Jonestown syndromes. People want to commit mass suicide.

All the political writers came up with their theories as to how this happened. I think that most of them were taking a shot in the dark trying to figure it out, but I read about one guy who compared the U.S. presidency to the way things are run in England. There they have one person running the government with another as head of state. So, while Prime Minister Maggie Thatcher starts a war with Argentina, Queen Elizabeth attends the opening of the Holly Festival and everyone is happy. Here in this country, the President has both jobs. He has to run the government and be head of state. And that's this guy's theory—that even though Reagan doesn't know how to run the government, he's a pretty good head of state.

Maybe that's true. People voted for Reagan as a guy who had a handsome smile and could look tough and strong even though he couldn't answer simple questions at news conferences. Compare this guy with previous presidents: before him you had the guy who smiled like the cat in Alice in Wonderland and gave speeches where the networks could have sold commercial time between paragraphs. And before that you had the guy who kept bumping into doors and hitting his head on planes. And before that you had the sneaky guy with devious eyes. They didn't look like heads of State, and Mondale seemed to be just like them. Reagan looks different. He could do a good job at the opening of the Holly Festival.

And then there were the plans for the Presidential Inauguration which sounded more like a coronation. The Pentagon had assigned 12,000 personnel to act as aiders, color guards, chauggers, ushers and to shovel snow, direct traffic and provide security. The plans called for a major production, sort of like the Hollywood awards ceremony or the coronation of a head of state. Just think: Inauguration Day cost the taxpayers over $2 million and was supposed to involve 12,000 troops. He's probably thinking of himself as King Ronald I. And he has his own palace guards just in case the masses rise up against him when he has to make policy. And all of this spoiled by a little cold wave so we didn't even get a TV spectacular for our tax $.

Lots of people are talking about reinstituting the drafts. They say that it will be necessary by the 1990's in order to get people they need to run the sophisticated equipment that will be used by the military of the future. I understand their needs. Heaven knows, if it takes 12,000 personnel to conduct one fool's re-up ceremony, then we'll need a lot more personnel to take on the Nicaraguans because you know, of course, how cunning and devious they are.

And while we wait for the day they restore the draft, do not worry. Be comforted in the thought that your Selective Service System is not standing idly by. The are remaining ever vigilant for that glorious day when they can again get to work drafting young men to serve and sacrifice to preserve American business interests.

The Selective Service is keeping in practice by keeping a roll of potential draftees who are supposed to register for the draft. They send out cards to young men whose eighteenth birthday is approaching to remind them that they must register. They even sent out a card to Johnny Klomberg in Palo Alto, California to remind him to register.

The only problem is that Johnny Klomberg doesn't even exist. You see, seven years ago two eleven-year-old kids by the names of Greg and Eric Hentzel signed up for a birthday club at the local ice cream parlor which was then part of a chain owned by the Marriott Corporation. The kids got the great idea to invent Johnny Klomberg and sign him up so that when his birthday came around they could use his name to collect extra goodies from the ice cream parlor.

The Hentzel kids used their own address when they turned in the phony name. They forgot it until seven years later when a notice to register for the draft came to Johnny Klomberg at their address. Obviously what happened is that the Marriott Corp turned over their ice cream parlor birthday lists to the ever vigilant Selective Service who wanted to make sure no Johnny Klombergs escaped their grasp.

Now some people may be appalled to think that the Selective Service would go to such lengths to invade our privacy by collecting birthday lists of 11 years olds. Others may think this kind of activity on the part of the Selective Service is laughable. I differ. I suspect that they Johnny Klomberg is real. I suspect that he does exist and is a mole—a Soviet spy—planted in this country by the Soviets as an eleven year old boy. And I am thankful that Big Brother is out there searching the ice cream parlors, video game rooms and Ronald McDonaldlands to find these Russian moles.

If I am wrong and Johnny Klomberg is not a Russian mole but really is a non-existent American, I imagine that when they draft him, they'll put him in a non-existent company such as the 160th Task Force of the 101st airborne out of Fort Campbell, Kentucky. The Knight-Ridder newspapers reported that this super secret company lost 16 members in accidents in 1983. I suppose all of these accidents had nothing to do with their mission of flying helicopters around certain Central American countries at night while wearing civilian clothes. According to the relatives of the deceased, the men purchased their own weapons and carried around bribe money to be used to buy their way home if they should be shot down. Sounds like the ideal job for Johnny Klomberg. Since he doesn't exist, Reagan wouldn't be lying when he says our troops are not involved in direct fighting in Nicaragua and El Salvador, and that's important because this country's President must keep the proper image and follow the tradition of George Washington and never lie.

Another value to having Johnny Klomberg as part of you military Klombergs is that he would help improve diplomatic relations with Australia. The current problem with Australia is that the Australians are worried about American sailors who are lusting after Australian women.

It seems that this whole thing came up when Australian Foreign Minister Bill Hayden met with U.S. Secretary of State George Schultz. Hayden complained to Schultz about magazines circulating abroad U.S. navy ships. The magazines talk about the availability of local girls, particularly in the city of Perth. The battle of the hearts and minds and what evers of the local women have been a success for Americans, claim the magazines. They claim that the local women and even schoolgirls melt in the presence of American sailors.

So, Foreign Minister Hayden registered an official complaint with the U.S. over the lust of American sailors. I bet Johnny Klomberg never lusts. If all our sailors were Johnny Klombergs, lust could be eliminated and relationships with Australia would improve. And, I bet Johnny Klomberg would never be bothered by radiation leaks abroad the U.S. nuclear ships either.

Grenade Of The Month

This issue's Grenade of the month goes to Frank Fahrenkopf Jr, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Frank was on his way to South Dakota's Republican State Convention and decided to visit Mount Rushmore in the Black Hills. As you know, Mount Rushmore has the famous and impressive carvings of the faces of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt.

Frank viewed the site and was inspired. He was so inspired that he wanted to improve upon it. And he came up with the idea that a fifth face was needed to make it complete. That's right. He wanted to add the puss of Ronald Reagan to Mount Rushmore.

Fortunately, the Ronald Reagan fad, like Ronald himself, is only a passing nightmare—I think. But if Fahrenkopf and other Reagan worshippers had their way, which Reagan face do you think they'd want to put up? The steely-eyed rugged individualist staring out over the Badlands of South Dakota? The big smile? The Bonzo look? Which ever one they used, they'd have to do some reconstructing of the rest of the monument. They'd have to make Lincoln's head bow down and put a hand over his face in shame.

—Billy Shunas, aka
SP4 Willy