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Vets Wife Response

By VVAW

(In the last issue of The VETERAN we printed a letter from the wife of a Vietnam vet, and asked for responses from readers. We are reprinting the letter her along with some of the responses.)

I am the wife of a Vietnam infantry veteran, soon to be ex-wife. My story is probably like many other wives; for 13 years I have loved, honored and cherished my husband through various medical problems associated with Agent Orange, post-traumatic stress, unemployment due to illness, and his never-ending distrust of the U.S. government to the point where anger, hatred and mistrust have taken over our lives. All along I kept asking, when does all this anger and hatred subside? Will it ever let up? Why is it getting worse all the time?

He has gotten involved. He's a member of the VVAW, he's joined every group he can find to end all the useless wars our government has gotten us into, he's even in therapy to help him deal with his medical and psychological problems. He seemed to be venting all his anger but there was no time left for his family. The more involved he gets, the angrier he becomes. I know that it takes people like my husband to get involved, and to do something constructive, but is there no time for love, children, wives and friends?

Understanding all of this anger, why his health is so bad, why our children are deformed, or wondering if our children's children are to be deformed, why all these tests are coming back from the health department with devastating results, why the chromosome damage and his immune system damage is so severe that he has been told he doesn't have very much more time left to live. Ten years at the most and that's probably a high estimate. At the same time he's being told by the VA that there is nothing they can do. They haven't even acknowledged that there is a problem with Agent Orange. Helpless is how you feel.

Our marriage is at a loss. There is nothing I can do anymore. I can't give him hope; he has no hope that he can or will get better. He feels he has no more need for me as a wife. He is just waiting for his time to come. He is still working against all the things he is against, for the future of our children, maybe, but there is no more hope for his future as he sees it.

What am I supposed to do? How can I or could I give him any hope? I couldn't. We've come to a standstill in our lives and there is nothing either one us feel we can do. If nothing else I want the rest of his life to be happy. That is why when he wanted me to leave his life I did. Separation is what we wanted, indefinitely. So here I am writing THE VETERAN. Now what?

Dear Sister,

Your letter in the last issue of THE VETERAN was devastating in its honesty, courage and impact. Your situation and all its sadness struck some very personal chords in me, as I'm sure it did with all the other wives and partners who read it. Every one of us could have written that letter at some point in our lives with our veteran husbands.

There are indeed thousands of us out here, struggling with the same issues and problems. The fears for the future of our children, the frustrations of trying to deal with the VA, the chemical companies, the lawyers and the Courts on Agent Orange, feeling our families crumble beneath their greed, and knowing they'll do it all again, creates within us all a terrible burden of hopelessness. None of us is immune.

Unfortunately, for too many wives, the suffering is endured alone and creates its own private hell. On one hand, her veteran-husband (and possibly others) are advising the spouse that it's best for everyone to end the marriage and be rid of the veteran and all of his problems. On the other hand she feels tremendous love, loyalty and responsibility for her husband, her family and their future together. This situation creates severe emotional and mental anguish and confusion for the partner. Obviously it is a direct contradiction and goes against every goal that has been established in the marriage.

In my case I found this to be a battle for my own sanity and survival as an individual as well as the continued survival of my family unit. My husband as well reached a point where he felt that all was lost and no hope existed for us. His involvement and commitment to the struggle of veterans also took a lot of our time and energy. Over the years his illnesses increased and his ability to struggle on became almost impossible. The lies, deceits, and broken promises by the government took their toll, and the guilt, anger and frustration were turned inward and became very destructive for him ?his family.

After months of tearful discussion and prolonged agony over what was best for all involved, we too separated. It was definitely the most difficult period of our lives together. Very scary for several months, but it was good for us because it enabled us to step away from each other, take a rest from the intense problems facing us, and in time, come back together with a better appreciation and understanding of ourselves, each other and the true value of the love we share. Our separation was a time of personal growth and discovery. We came back together with a greater resolve and ability to continue on with our lives together.

In the time we were separated, I found a wellspring of personal strength in myself and comfort, wisdom and understanding among other wives and partners of veterans. Like our husbands, we too are survivors.

I wish to thank you for opening this issue of partners and our struggles to remain so in THE VETERAN. So often our problems are overshadowed by those of our veteran husbands, and we are lost to ourselves and isolated from each other's caring and support. Perhaps the time has come again for VVAW women to gather and discuss these issues common to us all. The National Meeting in Chicago would be a great place to begin.

THE VETERAN:

The stories may vary in certain facts, but all in all they are basically the same.

My husband has numerous health problems due to exposure to Agent Orange and has not worked since August, 1981. He was diagnosed as having post-traumatic-stress disorder and still hasn't received any compensation or help. No one can seem to help him. It took us tow years to get the VA to determine that he's totally and permanently disabled due to an "arthritic condition of unknown origin." He gets $65 a month for that non-service connected disability.

There is no Outreach Program around here to help him with his PTSD so his life is filled with hate, bitterness, distress, and he feels he is socially unaccepted and has no self-worth.

My children have unexplained headaches, stomachaches and joint pains.

We divorced after 7 years of marriage even though we loved each other. We have since remarried, but the problems are still there.

His condition has affected both family and friends, and all I can see is that his condition is worsening.

Is there any hope for these vets and their families? We are people just like everyone else and it's time the government started realizing that there is a problem and it has be resolved.

That's my story. Sound familiar?

—Niceville, Florida

I, too am a vet's wife, and at one time experience the helpless doom that she speaks of. However, a God much bigger than the U.S. Vietnam, and all of us put together, pulled my husband of out the "muck" re-united our troubled marriage and has given us a new life full of hop today.....

—In Christ's Service
Fran Hansen
Syracuse, NY

As a psychotherapist involved in working with Vietnam Veterans and their families, I'd like to respond to your letter and attempt to suggest some possibilities to the " Now what?" question you posed at the end of your letter.

For many Vietnam veterans, it is crucial to become a part of a social action, both for a personal understanding and satisfaction as well as, as you described, "to do something constructive." Yet, as you asked, what happens if the marriage, the family and the veteran continue to suffer? Are there additional courses of action to take?

Individual, group and family therapy, i.e. "readjustment counseling" as it called which focuses on Vietnam issues as much as the veteran and family can tolerate it, is quite different than social action. Yet, it is an effective additional approach. Also when one veteran and his family can work it out, the ripple affect can touch the world in surprising ways, which is a form of social action in itself.

Post traumatic stress is a usual focus of therapy—trauma impinging on the veteran and often the family members, and reactions to this. Unlike most psychological problems, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is based on "stressouts" is almost anyone.

What I am leading up to: even though the original source of many of the problems were external events (Vietnam, lack of homecoming, etc) the results have left their mark within the individual and within the family. The symptoms of the events continue, in the pain, the suffering, the substance abuse, the numbing out and keeping at a distance.

You describe devastating health, genetic, psychological and family damage, and mentioned that your husband is in therapy for medical and psychological problems. Yet you feel helpless, hopeless, with your marriage at a standstill or worse, that you're unable to offer any hope.

Not knowing more of the specifics, and with some risk of over generalizing, I'd like to ask: what about, as you said, time for children, wives, and friends? What about brining together those who care into group meetings with a therapist who is familiar with issues of Vietnam veterans and families.

I believe family therapy is a crucial and necessary component of a comprehensive treatment plan. I suggest you speak directly with your husband's therapist, or if there are any objections to that, speak with an additional family therapist familiar with Vietnam veterans' issues.

Check out how you and your family can become involved in therapy together, in a timely and thoughtful way. Without some on-going family involvement, the individual sessions can sometimes maintain isolation and separation that is part of the problem. It is true that some issues can be worked within the privacy of individual session or in groups, but it's also true that the "results" need to be reintegrated into the family at some point.

One other thought: even if your separation remains indefinite, or results in divorce, family meetings at times can assist with a less destructive (or more constructive) divorce—and even possibly lead to an emotional reconciliation.

I hope you arrive at the next step, in terms of your "Now what?" question, and with for you and your family the best possible outcome.

—Clifford Brickman, ACSW
Co-Director
Family Reintegration Consortim

Dear Vet's Wife,

I read your letter in the latest issue of THE VETERAN. Having faced my own terminality and having found it to be full of warmth and hope, let me venture to relay some sketchy thoughts that came to me as I read your letter.

For some of us, anger and hatred were described as "bad" things. But, highly charged emotions, even "bad" ones, often result in "good" things. Properly directed emotions usually produce progression in life. Poorly directed emotions usually produce regression and aggression. There IS time for everything in this life: love, children, wives, fighting injustice—you name it. But, a person must properly direct his/her emotions. Your husband must choose life, day by day.

You say, "He is still working against all the things he is against, for the future of our children" and that sounds like a very selfless thing for a man to do. But, where are his actions? I don't believe it is best "for the future of his children' that he separate himself from them. Nor do I believe it is best 'for the future of his children' that he allows himself the privilege of winding himself in his death shroud so tightly tied with the self-made chains of anger and hatred that he's blind to the needs of his family.

You ask, "When does all this anger and hatred subside?" When all the injustices are addressed and resolved, or perhaps when your description of the world included its imperfection. "Why is it getting worse all the time?" Because, as the years go by, the frustrations over the unresolved injustices accumulate. "Will it ever let up?" Probably not. But then, you already knew the answers to these questions.

If you thought separation would make your husband's life happy, you would not have written to THE VETERAN. And, since you "want the rest of his life to be happy" the answer to "Now what?" is reconciliation, family consulting, and a positive attitude on the days to come in this life with a hell of a lot less dwelling on the end of this life by both you.

—Sincerely,
Friend & Partner of a stressed out Vet since 1968