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Letter for Vet's Wife: "What Am I Supposed To Do?"

By VVAW

The following letter was received by the VVAW National Office; we try to answer it. But the letter made us realize that the problems faced by the wives of Vietnam vets are something we have seldom tried to discuss in THE VETERAN.

We are printing the letter and the response here in hopes of getting your responses which we will us in the next issue of THE VETERAN. We will also be giving the letter to several wives of VVAW members for their responses; in short, while we don't know exactly what will come of this, we do believe there is an important issue here which should be discussed. Let us know, please.

THE VETERAN:

I am the wife of a Vietnam infantry veteran, soon to be ex-wife. My story is probably like many other wives; for 13 years I have loved, honored and cherished my husband through various medical problems associated with Agent Orange, post-traumatic stress, unemployment due to illness and his never-ending distrust of the U.S. government to the point where anger, hatred and mistrust have taken over our lives. All along I kept asking when does all this anger and hatred subside? Will it ever let up? Why is it getting worse all the time?

He has gotten involved. He's a member of VVAW, he's joined every group he can find to end all the useless wars our government has gotten us into, he's even in therapy to help him deal with his medical and psychological problems. He seemed to be venting all his anger but there was no time left for his family. The more involved he gets, the angrier he becomes. I know that it takes people like my husband to get involved, and to do something constructive, but is there no time for love, children, wives and friends?

Understanding all of this anger, why his health is so bad, why our children are deformed, or wondering if our childrens' children are to be deformed, why all these tests are coming back from the health department with devastating results, why the chromosome damage is so severe that he has been told he doesn't have very much more time to live. Ten years at the most and that's probably a high estimate. At the same time he's being told by the VA that there is nothing they can do. They haven't even acknowledged that there is a problem with Agent Orange. Helpless is how you feel.

Our marriage is at a loss. There is nothing I can do anymore. I can't give him hope; he has no help that he can or will get better. He feels he has no more need for me as a wife. He is just waiting for his time to come. He is still working against all of the things he is against, for the future of our children, maybe, but there is no more hope for his future as he sees it.

What am I supposed to do? How can I or could I give him any hope? I couldn't. We've come to a standstill in our lives and there is nothing either one of us feel we can do. If nothing else I want the rest of his life to be happy. That is why when he wanted me to leave his life I did. Separation is what he wanted, indefinitely. So here I am writing THE VETERAN. Now what?

Dear Vet's Wife,

For hundreds of thousands of Vietnam vets our wives are our reasons to hope. Wives along with our families, have often provided support when everything else has decayed. The number of wives wounded by Vietnam is large even though there were and are no medals. Sometimes the medal most wanted—nothing more than appreciation for putting up with all the pain a vet can cause—is never awarded.

We should make one thing clear immediately, even though we are a vet's newspaper and tend to take the vet's side on almost every issue. Some of us who went to Vietnam were jerks when we went over, and nothing in the Vietnam experience changed that. There are Vietnam vets who are simply worthless.

But that isn't the case with your husband who has the vital capacity to care. Caring can be misplaced or misdirected, but it is certainly a precious ability and one which could be the basis for hope.

Many of us when we got back from Vietnam wallowed around in various swamps, whether drugs or alcohol or mental problems or the kind of behavior that landed us in prisons or divorce courts. Those of us joined VVAW back then and have stayed with it found that seeing the source of our problems helped to keep us sane. Seeing that we should not blame ourselves but should turn our frustration, anger, rage against the policies of the government and toward the building of a situation where Vietnam could be not be repeated—this gave us something to hold on to. In the early years back in the world, those of us who were most successful often brought our wives along with us so that the struggle was shared struggle. Many vets who were a part of VVAW in its early days used that experience to rejoin the system and work for change in a vast variety of ways—many vets centers today are operated by one-time Vietnam vet activist members of VVAW.

But there were dangers on the way; for some only the hate remained, not the hope and the building. For some and size of the battle was too great and they retired. But, it seems to me for those who care—who care enough to be concerned about children—there is something to hold.

Though your letter makes it sound as if you have tried all the various remedies available, if you have not gone through marriage counseling, it can't hurt. Through the Vets Center outreach program, there are good psychological experts available (these vary, of course, from place to place—some are excellent), though of course the VA and the Reagan Administration are trying to cut back on them.

All the problems and stresses are fearfully compounded by the physical problems of Agent Orange exposure. Perhaps there will be a medical solution someday; given the speed with which research is going now, the day if far in the future. I know of no hope except to do all that's possible to prevent such things from happening again.

I find it impossible to imagine a situation where indefinite separation from family would make a situation better, but I have not walked in my brother's shoes. If that is what he wants, you have little choice. You can know that you have done what you could do, and hope that his ability to care will, in whatever time is left, expand to include those who make care worthwhile.