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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

HOW TO SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!

This seems to be a topic that is on the minds of great thinkers throughout the land today. They are seating and straining to get their tiny brains to come up with some plan of survival.

Take T.K. Jones, Undersecretary of Defense. He suggested that you dig a hold, cover it with a few doors and throw three feet of dirt on top. What bothers me about this is that I can't figure out how to get in the hole after I've covered it with three feet of dirt, or if I'm already in the hole, how do I throw dirt on top of it. Maybe he means that some people get in the hole and the private covers it up. (Maybe we could pretend that there's going to be a nuclear war, send all the generals down in the holes and bury them.)

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has a plan also. Everyone get in your car and drive far away into the countryside. If this happens, the Guiness "Book of World Records"—last edition—will put it down as the world's greatest traffic jam.

Then we have Robert Kingbury, a former Army major and current head of the Los Angeles County Department of Military and Veterans Affairs. He recognized that these other plans are unworkable, so he wants to build an ark. On this ark would go certain people who have the skills that would be necessary to start up civilization again. Who these people are or what their skills would be is left unsaid. For starters, I would suggest someone like Thomas Crapper. He's the Englishman who invented the toilet a few centuries ago. Ah, well, I wish Los Angeles County success in building their ark. There should be side benefits also. Just in case a nuclear war doesn't happen, they'll be well prepared if it should rain for forty days and forty nights.

By far the most artful plan is just that—an art museum. That's what Dillon Ripley, Secretary of the Smithsonian Institute is planning. He wants to build a giant dugout in Washington to hold art treasures and, of course, certain selected individuals. This museum would have all the modern convenience underground. There would be three feet of dirt and grass above it. (Three feet of dirt seems to be the magic formula for preventing nuclear death.)

This museum is supposed to cost about $75 million. They're trying to get half of it out of Congress from taxpayer dollars. The other half is supposed to come from donations. Interestingly enough, the donations are already coming in. The biggest contributors so far have been foreign embassies, corporations, and a CIA front group as well as individuals.

Evidently all of these are looking for a nice comfortable place to sit out a nuclear war. Just think; for a donation of fifty or a hundred thousand, you too can sit out the holocaust sipping bourbon from a well-stocked bar, viewing art treasures and enjoying the company of some for the most powerful figures around who made it all happen. That's better than floating off on some ark.

Actually, this is all pretty silly—all these ways of trying to deal with nuclear war. For anyone who's been in the service, the answer has already been taught to us. Just thin back to the lessons we learned in Basic. When the bombs and missiles start flying, we should have about fifteen minutes warning time. Just go outside, breath in the fresh air, spread your legs apart, bend as far forward as you can, grab your balls with your left hand, salute with the right, and kiss your ass goodbye.

SURVIVING AT THE V.A

This is another matter. It takes some doing, but Robert Nimmo has been finding ways. The VA Administrator—in charge of watching government spending and being stingy to vets—has used some of that government money to good advantage. He spent over $54,000 remodeling his headquarter's suite. The remodeling money went for such things as installing a shower in his 10th floor office, building new walls, installing satin beige carpeting, redoing the walls and buying a color TV, a judge's chair and a few other decorations. What happened to the old furniture? It was sent to the public affairs office of the Commerce Department. The director of that office? Why it's Mary Nimmo, Captain Nimmo's daughter.

The Better Government Association is the group which revealed all this extravagance. They also revealed how he paid out $8000 to his driver for driving him back and forth to work. Hell, Max Cleland, the previous administrator was a triple amputee and he drove himself to work. Nimmo did reimburse the VA for this money. Must have been embarrassed.

Nimmo did say that his long hours were one of the reasons for using the agency's transportation. Maybe if he didn't buy that color TV for the office his hours wouldn't have been so long. But it's hard to get away from them Soaps.

I suppose a few vets get a few less benefits in order to pay for the extras in Nimmo's office and still say within the budget. What the hell. That's the way it's supposed to be. We're veterans. We're used to having it rough. After all, when you're part of the Reagan team, you go first class. You've got to survive. Hell, we'll even dig a hole for Nimmo and friends. Then we'll pile those three feet of dirt, and

GRENADE!

Speaking of first class, there's Representative James Collins of Texas. After the financial disclosure statements of members of the House of Representatives, Collins came out on top of the money heap with assets of between five and ten million. That's enough to buy a seat at the Smithsonian.

With all that money, he's not afraid to meet with little people. During the lobbying efforts of Dewey Canyon IV he even met with some vets. After listening to the rundown on Agent Orange, unemployment, the VA and all the other vets' problems (he generously had given the vets 10 minutes since, as he admitted, he knew nothing about the problems of Vietnam vets), he came up to one of the vets and said: "Are you on drugs?"

We trust that Mr Collins (who has big plans for himself and is now running for the Senate from Texas) will remain ignorant about the needs of Vietnam vets and is appropriately grateful that his career did not end on the spot. We certainly hope it will end soon.

GREANDE (2)!

In late April, Lee Dreyfus, Governor of Wisconsin wrote to President Reagan proposing that Vietnam vets be used to expand the National Guard and Reserves so the country could return to the concept of the "Citizen Soldier." In part he wrote, "Here is an opportunity for this nation to recognize and finally appreciate all of these men (apparently women don't count—ed.) who gave up a part of their lives fighting in Southeast Asia. Make no mistake, the will defend this nation if we are truly in peril. A rekindling of their self worth and our national pride in them is in itself a valuable goal."

During Dewey Canyon IV a contingent of Wisconsin vets met Dreyfus in the halls of the Capitol. As usual he didn't have time to discuss his letter with the vets but said he would meet with them back in Wisconsin. But his interest in "rekindling self-worth" hasn't yet extended to meeting with the vets. Nor has it extended to a promise to refund the Wisconsin state Agent Orange program.

Governor Dreyfus must also be sure that Vietnam vets are all on drugs if he thinks we're going to buy his plan to use us again or if he thinks we'll let him escape with sweet words and no action. In fact if he really understands how a lot of Vietnam vets feel about him and his stupid proposals, he might think twice (or even three or four times) about a re-arming of Vietnam vets.