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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

Robert Nimmo—that's the head of the VA, not the captain in Moby Dick—is considering eliminating free medical care to all veterans over the age of 65. When he heard that some veterans' groups protested, he complained that all that veterans want is "More, more, more." Well, that's truce, When you don't have much, you tend to want more—especially when it was promised to you for serving your country.

Captain Nimmo is worried about the cost since so many vets from World War II are about to turn 65. Maybe then can save some money so they can buy tablecloths for the White House. That's a big worry for Muffie Brandon, the social secretary for Ron and Nancy. Muffie is concerned because they only have six changes of linen on hand, and that's hard when you have a state visitor each month." Muffie is a brave one. She says, "We can do it, but you have to be very imaginative."

Once she had to take out a needle and thread to sew up a tablecloth just before Nancy's luncheon guests arrived. Imagine! Another time, "one set of tablecloths, to my complete and utter horror, went out to the dry cleaner and shrunk."

It's too bad Muffie couldn't get some of that million plus that was donated for remodeling the White House, but the money was already spent—Nancy got new china with a red border, her favorite color. But good soldier that she is, Muffie makes the best of a bad situation. She varies the look of the table as much as possible with candles, centerpieces and overlays in contrasting colors. Carry on, Muffie. We're glad you have something to put on the table. That's more than we can say for a lot of veterans after your boss gets through cutting our benefits.

MILITARY ANIMALS

Animals have always played a role in the military. Mostly it has been horses for the cavalry and transport. Nowadays, they're using dogs and dolphins. Do you have a German shepherd between the ages of 1 and 3 who's looking for fun, travel and adventure? Sign him up for the Army. With no jobs to be had in the civilian economy there are enough human recruits for the all-volunteer Army, but there's a shortage of dogs.

Recruiters are looking for a few good—dogs to learn to sniff out drugs and explosives. They're promised three squares a day and job training. But, warning: they must pass the physical and temperament tests. If they do, they then can have the privilege of serving their country. They'll probably find it best to sign up for life since it's been said that VA care isn't fit for dogs!

The Navy might be looking for a few good dolphins. They used them in Vietnam to eliminate enemy frogmen on sabotage missions. They detected them with their built-in sonar and stabbed them with a hypodermic needle filled with carbon dioxide. Killed about 60 frogmen that way! Maybe we can use them against the El Salvadorians threatening Miami.

There are many possibilities for the animal kingdom. Maybe we can train monkeys to man (or at least monkey around with) the M-1 tanks. The General Accounting Office has discovered that a soldier can't get through the hatch of the M-1 in winter gear. That means we can only fight the Russians during the summer or along the Riviera. With monkey tank commanders, we can fight them anytime, anywhere.

Or, maybe, we can get some of those laboratory guinea pigs they train to count. We'd supply one to every commander so they could properly count the enemy. Of course, we'd have to have honest pigs who wouldn't send false information to the folks back home.