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Why Can't I Remember? (poem)

By Matt Wathen

Forty years and so little reflection
A phony veteran, a harmless bomber, an impersonal killer
How do I reconcile my Vietnam experience?
I read in awe and disbelief of the grunts' agonizing actions on the ground
Was this the same war I fought in?
I never set foot in Vietnam
I never had fear of rocket attacks or snipers at night
I never even saw the enemy on the ground-or did I?

The story that I have told myself and believed until recently was this:
I blew up tons of karst on the tree-shrouded Ho Chi Minh trail
I didn't see any secondaries, movers or troops
How could I have killed anybody?
But I flew so many missions dropping six 1000# bombs or twelve 500# bombs
Expending that much ordnance was bound to kill people
Just because I didn't see any direct hits, doesn't mean I did no damage
Now I believe I did cause horror, fear and death to those working "the trail"

I think back on the many times I worked in I Corps after a strike in Laos
The bombs had been released, so all I had was 20 mike mike in the guns
I truly can't remember anything I strafed
I do recall jinxing on the pullout to avoid any ricochets from my fire
And what about those last couple of missions to use up those Mark 84's-2000# bombs
The ship didn't want to bring unexpended ordnance back stateside
So they sent us out with four of those huge bombs hanging from the pylons
I can still feel the cat shot on those strikes-eyes "uncaging"and a big sink at the end of the stroke
I'm pretty sure I dropped those huge bombs in country
I have no recollection of where we released them
But the violent concussion I felt on pull out at 4000 feet is still imprinted on my memory

So I remember some things very well, but I've selectively forgotten much
Everything to do with weapons on target seems hidden somewhere deep inside
Is this my way of avoiding PTSD?
If I could access these lost memories, what affect would it have on my life now?
Why aren't there other pilots with thoughts and questions similar to mine?
Maybe there have been-after all I'm just dealing with this 40 years after the fact
It is so much easier to dismiss damage we've done in such a detached way
We were spared the haunting images of mutilated bodies, destroyed villages, and other atrocities
Fighting an impersonal war brings up a far different set of issues to deal with-
Much more subtle, but no less profound.

- Matt Wathen, A-7 pilot, USS Enterprise, 1969

Matt Wathen served as a Naval Aviator on active duty from 1967 to 1972. He retired as a Commander after 20 years of active and reserve service. He has worked as a registered nurse, and retired after 17 years as an airline pilot. He's been involved in VVAW, VFP and the Vietnam Veterans Writing Group for 2 years.