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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

Now, let me get this straight. We've got the Comeback Kid against Family Values in this election. I'm not sure why Clinton wants to be known as the Comeback Kid. What's he coming back from? Maybe it's a philosophical comeback from opposition to an unjust war in Vietnam to support of an unjust war in the Gulf.

Maybe Clinton is using Comeback Kid because it sounds like the name of a Walt Disney movie, and Walt Disney movies are associated with Family Values. It's something Dan Quayle would appreciate as the title of his own biography. After all, he's come back from the pot smoking, Vietnam avoiding, law school cheating young man to become a fine upholder of values. (Maybe we should cut Dan Quayle a little slack in our criticism of his excessive paper about family values. Considering that his wife is the brains behind his career, he owes a lot to his family.)

Personally, I haven't seen a Disney movie since I went to protect Family Values in Vietnam and fight for the right of Southeast Asians to watch Leave It To Beaver. I must admit confusion, however. I'm not exactly sure what these Family Values are. Isn't there an economic factor in here somewhere? Unless Uncle Sam provides things like universal health care, quality education and child care, Family Values are available only to wealthy and semi-wealthy. If you have the money, you can have this ideal family: Father goes off to work at a nice $70,000 a year job every day. Mother stays home, looks pretty and raises 2.5 kids and a dog. And everyone votes Republican.

There is one good father in Washington who is upholding his family values. George Bush is always looking out for his sons. When Neil ripped off savings and loan, Daddy made sure he got a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again. When George Jr. needed a little cash, daddy helped his little ole oil company sign a deal with the government of Bahrain and reminded him to sell off his shares just before daddy started the Gulf War. Then like a good Dad, every once and a while he gathers the boys together, and they sit around the video room in the White House basement drinking soda and watching Top Gun again.

How about our real life Top Guns? Did you check out the Tail-hook convention in Las Vegas last year? That's where the best and brightest of our junior naval aviators had a little party that became famous because they got a lot drunk and stripped and/or groped by any young woman who happened to walk by.

The party and convention became well publicized because some of the women complained. This confused the Navy which thought that boys were supposed to be boys and girls were supposed to understand that boys were to be boys. And it confused these aviators who thought they were just upholding the esteemed Tailhook tradition.

In the aftermath of the Tailhook convention, a team of sociologists interviewed the men involved in the orgy. It was inconclusive as to whether Family Values or the lack thereof had a casual effect on this behavior; 52% came from stable families, 46% from broken homes, 2% had only a mother and one aviator apparently did not have a mother. The survey also found Ross Perot was a favorite with Tailhook. However, with Perot out of the race, 78% said they would vote for Bush. The sociologists also found that 81% would support Family Values in the 1996 election. Also, when they grow up 57% will make a career in the Navy, 32% will become Yuppies, 11 will become Congressmen, 2 will become Senators, 1 will become Vice President, 7 will be convicted of drug running and 4% will tune out of society.

As far as the elections are concerned, there is the usual dilemma of trying to decide whether or not to vote, or whether to vote for some third or fourth party or whether a vote for the Democrat will get you a small break on the environment of health care o child care or maybe a semi-decent Supreme Court appointee. This year the Democrats are running their Yuppie Ticket. Maybe that would be good for the white House. We'll get a sushi bar next to the Oval Office, ferns growing on the porch, a BMW in the driveway and maybe the left wing will get rehabbed.