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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

Sp 5 Willy (Ret.) A.K.A. Bill Shunas

I remember back in Basic Training where they used to have signs hanging on the walls of various training rooms. The signs had this mean looking Uncle Sam and said, "Freedom is not free." I remember, at the time, thinking that his statement must have some deep and profound meaning, although I couldn't figure out what. After two years in the Army I understood what being "not free" meant.

All you old vets out there ought to be happy to know that the country remains safe. The Defense Department remains vigilant in its continuing effort to make sure that people who work for it are not free. For example, take the polygraph-training manual recently developed by the Defense Department Polygraph Institute at Fort McClellan, Alabama. The manual was supposed to train lie detector operators to screen out bad guys who wanted to work for the Army or the government.

The manual instructed them to ask some very personal questions of potential employees. Come to think of it, these were some difficult questions. I guess I couldn't pass myself.

"Have you ever assisted in the commission of an immoral act?" Well yes, I served in Vietnam.

"Have you ever owed a bar bill?" No, I always pay cash.

"Have you ever received sexual stimulation in a crowded area?" Yes. It was on the Moral Majority convention floor when the endorsed Ronnie's nomination for President.

"While under the influence of alcohol, have you done anything you are ashamed of?" I don't remember.

"Have you every engaged is sex acts with an animal?" I once had a one-night stand with a lady of the right-wing persuasion. I think I met her at the Moral Majority Convention.

"Do you have any friends you would not be willing to recommend for a responsible position?" Most of them.

The questions in the manual go on an on about a person's sex life, family life and private affairs. They want to know about involvement in ethnic organizations like Polish-American clubs, the NAACP and Japanese Community clubs. Maybe they want to fight the "Big One" all over again.

You know, in the public debate over U.S. involvement in Nicaragua, there is always argument over whether or not Nicaragua would be another Vietnam. I know that in one are it sure as hell would be the same.

Around the turn of the century, France ruled in Vietnam, but they were having a rough time making it pay. But they then built an opium refinery. There were few Vietnamese addicts, but after the refinery was built, Vietnamese addiction rose and became the source of one third of France's colonial administration's income. The French later encouraged Laotian tribes to grow poppies and used money from the drug trade to finance counter-insurgency efforts against the Viet Minh.

Later when the U.S. took over the war, they—in the person of the CIA and some of our South Vietnamese allies—also took over the drug traffic. The rest is history. Many of us picked up the habit and brought it home.

That was Vietnam. Now we find out the Contras helping to fund their rebellion by running cocaine. According to the report from U.S. officials and a CIA document, three Contra forces are involved—the FDN, the ARDE and M-3. The cocaine is flown from Columbia to Contra landing strips in Costa Rica where it is then put on boats and sent to Miami for distribution in the states.

Supposedly the Contras started drug-running to support their war effort back in 1984 when U.S. aid was cut off for the first time. Sound familiar? That's why the French started with drugs in Vietnam. Let's hope there will be no American GIs in Central America to fall victim to these drugs like we had in Vietnam!

And look who's coming to the aid of these nice Contras. Why it's the queen mother of the Right, Phyllis Schlafly. She and some of her friends got together to send Christmas packages to these poor fellows. The care packages they sent included some useful items like toiletries. Also sent were breath mints.

I don't what this was for. After tea time? You raid a village, kill off a few peasants and return for tea and mints? Sounds so civilized. That was real nice of the Mother Schlafly. And oh yes, each care package came inside its very own camouflage pouch. I wonder if it was designed by Gucci. But the pouch will come in handy. When all the mints are eaten, the Contras can use the pouch to carry their cocaine.

On the lighter side, I see where the Australian army recently purchased 541,000 condoms. No, it's not for that. They claim that the condoms are excellent waterproofing for rifle barrels. I remember back in basic training they used to drill it into your head that what you called your weapon was a "rifle," not your "gun". I never understood why they were so intent on having us call it a rifle. When you pulled the trigger it didn't make any difference what you called the damn thing.

And do you remember what the word "gun" meant? That's what you used the condoms for back then. The DI's even used to recite a little ditty:

"This is my rifle,
This is my gun.
One is for killing
And one is for fun."

Now them upside down Aussies have got everything all messed up. Do you use the condom on the rifle or the gun? Which one is for fun? You could get killed if you use the condom on the wrong one.

Too bad Ronnie Reagan's father didn't use a condom. Did you hear his latest remark about the hungry? He seems to think that people go hungry in this country because they don't know what food is available. With all the government cutbacks on food stamps and nutrition programs, what are they supposed to do? Write to Phyllis Schlafly?

GRENADE OF THE MONTH

No matter what you think about Ronnie Reagan, he is good for one thing. The people he appoints to public office give me plenty of candidates for the Grenade of the Month. This time we'll throw two grenades for some quotes made by two of his appointees.

First there is Jefferson Sessions, who has been selected to sit on the U.S. District Court for southern Alabama. Among other great ideas, Mr. Sessions said about the Ku Klux Klan, "I thought those guys were OK until I learned they smoked pot." What should they have used? Contra cocaine?

And then there's Eileen Gardner, senior advisor to William Bennett, Secretary of Education. When testifying against federal aid to handicapped students she made the profound statement that, "Handicaps are there to help the individual grow towards inner spiritual perfection." Maybe that's true. It does seem as if there is a look of bliss on Ronnie Reagan's face every time someone asks him something that requires an intelligent answer.