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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

Sp 5 Willy (Ret.) A.K.A. Bill Shunas

Ashes to ashes. And now, dust to dust—Russian dust. If U.S. Soviet conflicts don't turn us all into ashes and dust, someone in the future can make a hilarious Peter Sellers-type movie about the real life stumbling and bumbling of superpower spies and counter-spies.

The latest episode has to do with the revelation that the Soviets have been placing a dust like chemical on the doorknobs and steering wheels of the homes and cars of Americans in Moscow. The dust could be made visible under ultraviolet light and theoretically expose any Russian citizens who have had contact with Americans.

Now the Americans are charging that the dust is carcinogenic and has endangered Americans in Moscow. If true, that is pretty nasty on the part of the Russians. However, when you deal with the nastiness of one super-power, you don't have to look very far to see that nastiness matched by the other superpower. In this case, the Americans revealed the Russians' use of the cancer-causing dust—nine years after they became aware of its use. (This knowledge was probably revealed now as part of the propaganda posturing having to do with the upcoming summit meeting.)

I wonder what the Russians planned to do in the case of those Americans who were compulsive house cleaners. You know the kind. They go around once a day with a dust rag. "State Secret Wiped Out by Mr. Clean." Nevertheless, can you imagine being called into interrogation by the KGB?

"Comrade, Sister Marya, the ultraviolet light reveals the handprint of an American on your person."

"Where?"

"Where you sit."

"Oh. Well, you know how fresh those Americans are."

Or,

"Comrade Vladimir, is good news and bad news."

"What is the bad news?"

"Ultraviolet light reveals you have many contacts with agents of imperialism."

"And what is the good news?"

"Because dust has given you cancer, you may not have to be sent to mental institution for rehabilitation."

Maybe the Russians got their ideas for secret dust from the U.S. when they discovered a U.S. plan called Commando Lava to be used in Vietnam. This was one of many silly plans the U.S. was going to use to try to cut off enemy infiltration and supplies along the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

The idea of Commando Lava was to clear out a section of the Ho Chi Minh Trail and saturate it with atomic dust and mustard gas. To clear the trail they had planned to defoliate the area. Can you imagine how many more Agent Orange victims that would have created? And the Vietnamese would probably have re-routed the Trail anyway.

In all these stories you see the same trend over and over again. The big powers pursue their objectives and don't give a damn about their own citizens and soldiers. While the leaders of the countries keep everyone on edge about the possibility of going to war, the soldiers on both sides have more in common than most people realize.

Take tankers for example. About four years ago I wrote in this column about a Vietnam vet at Fort Sill who commandeered an APC and rolled over a guard shack and out onto the highway and into town with all sorts of cop cars chasing him and unable to bring him to a stop until they used tear gas. I thought of this story when I read about a Russian tank crew on maneuvers in Czechoslovakia.

It seems that this tank crew was thirsty. Unlike Americans who probably would prefer beer or whisky, this Russian crew was after vodka. Come to think of it, maybe we should fight the Russians. Hardly anybody here drinks vodka. They must be perverts. We must defend Schlitz and Budweiser. Smash Smirnoff!

Anyway, the four-man tank crew was out cruising the highways one night in the Czechoslovakian countryside when the finished off their ration of vodka. It was raining, and there wasn't much to do so they decided that maybe they ought to get some more vodka. They put their money together and came up with enough to buy another bottle. So, they rolled along until they came to a country pub. They parked their tank in a pigsty and went to drink their next bottle.

Unfortunately, one bottle doesn't go very far with four thirsty tankers, so the crew chief traded his wedding ring for a few more rounds. Things began to get fuzzy after that. Later on the crew was seen leaving the pub with two cases of vodka and several pounds of herring and pickles. The next that was heard about the tank crew was two days later when police found them sleeping in the woods.

A few days later, good fortune shone upon the owner of the pub. It was reported that a metal recycling center paid him a large sum of money for a sawed up load of high quality steel. Further investigation found the remains of the tank cluttering his pigsty and disturbing his pigs.

I don't know what happened to the Russian tank crew, but this story goes to show how much alike we really are. I can imagine a lot guys I knew in the Army doing the same thing. And the owner of the pub? He tried to cover his ass by saying that he threw in the herring and pickles as a gesture of camaraderie with the Soviet troops, but what he did was very capitalistic thing. From now on, he had better watch his doorknobs and steering wheels. They're likely to be covered with cancer dust.

GRENADE OF THE MONTH

I think we need to toss a grenade in the direction of the Italian Stallion—Sylvester Stallone. This guy made his "Rocky" movies, and everyone kind of related to him. He represented the underdog fighting to get ahead.

Then, in "First Blood," he was the Vietnam vet who got no respect and no job. The movie was okay, but there were two things that disturbed me about his Vietnam vet character. First the Vietnam vet seemed a little stupid to let himself get stuck in that situation, and second, he was beginning to develop the theme of, "They wouldn't let us win the war."

Then, of course, there came "Rambo" with it's rewriting of the war, its appeal to national chauvinism and its unreal conception of what happens in battle.

Stallone should get a grenade for two reasons. The first (and perhaps lesser reason) is that the guy is making lots of money off his Vietnam vet character when he doesn't deserve to polish the boots of a Vietnam vet. He was of cannon fodder age during Vietnam, but he spent those years chaperoning a girls' school in Switzerland. (More power to you if you got out of Vietnam, but don't come around getting rich pretending to portray a Vietnam vet.) Then, he got his start on the silver screen on the pornographic circuit. His first X-rated movie, by the way, was "Italian Stallion" which is where he got his nickname—not from Rocky Balboa or his ethnic heritage. Now that's what I call a real war hero. The only merit badge he qualified for was R&R.

The second reason for giving the grenade to the Italian Stallion is that the chauvinism and glorification of war in his pictures make many young minds eager to try their hands at war. It also makes many small minds eager too. Witness Ronald Reagan. He made another foot-in-mouth statement about the hostages in Beirut when he said, "Boy, I saw 'Rambo' last night. I know what to do the next time this happens." A joke? Perhaps not because some people believe in the Hollywood version of life—some very influential people.

Because young minds and small minds can be poisoned by the Italian Stallions of the world, they deserve a grenade. The next time they make a movie about the U.S. version of what happened in Vietnam, they really ought to resurrect Peter Sellers. His would be an accurate portrayal of American leadership.