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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

I know it's spring, and true sports fans are listening for the crack of the bat and thinking about Doctor J, Magic and the Bird in the playoffs. No one's thinking about football except for the few perverts who follow the USFL. Nevertheless, I haven't yet had the chance to comment on this year's Super Bowl, and I'd like to do that now.

More specifically, I'd like to comment on the postgame interviews. That's where winning Raider coach Tom Flores stood in front of national TV and took a congratulatory phone call from Ronald Reagan. I guess the game got Ronnie excited. He probably flashed back to the time he played George Gipp in the "Knute Rockne Story." Or maybe he thought a phone call would be good politics during an election year.

Whatever the case, Reagan tells Coach Flores, "I have already had a call from Moscow. They think that Marcus Allen is a new secret weapon, and they insist that we dismantle it. Now they've given me an idea about that team that I just saw of yours. If you turn them over to us, we'd put them in silos and we wouldn't have to build the MX missile." It would be nice if they didn't build the MX missile, but this whole little speech was so far out in left field that one wondered what it had to do with congratulating Tom Flores. I guess Reagan has missiles on his mind. To Flores everlasting credit, he stood there silently with a look on his face which seemed to say, "What the fuck is that idiot babbling about?"

What I want to know is why these guys always insist on comparing was to football and other games? I mean, I think there's some sore of psychology behind it that creates the image of war being just a game, and that makes it all right. They're crazy.

As for the game itself, it wasn't much. The Raiders rolled over the Redskins. It was like—well it was like the way that Patton rolled after the German Army on his was toward Berlin.

Speaking of games that the Reagan Administration plays, look at who they have been using to gather intelligence on foreign powers. If you haven't heard of Lyndon LaRouche and his cult called the National Democratic Policy Committee, you should have. This is another nut group, although these people are also dangerous in that they are fascist and well-organized. They definitely are nuts, though. For example, they're always talking about conspiracies involving organized Labor, the Rockefeller family, Kissinger and the Russians getting together to start a thermonuclear war. Another one of the theories is that Queen of England is a major drug dealer.

So who did Norman Bailey of the President National Security Council and member of the CIA get together with for an intelligence debriefing? Why is was Lyndon LaRouche's boys. They were supposed to supply intelligence on the economies of foreign countries and what their leaders are thinking.

I really don't think Reagan's in tune with the rest of the world. So don't be surprised if the next amphibious assault you see occurs against England. The Marines will land and storm Buckingham Palace, and right behind them will be members of the Drug Enforcement Agency. I wonder if Reagan used LaRouche for his intelligence advice when he planned his Lebanon invasion. That had to have been planned by someone who is nuts.

With all the crazies running around Washington, it makes you wonder who really is running the government. Can it really be the Reagan folks? I doubt it. Then who is?

Remember a movie that came out about fifteen years ago called "The President's Analyst"? It starred Jame Coburn as a guy who comes up against a Big Brother type of situation and finds that the real fascists behind the situation was the phone company. At the time I thought it was just a good escapist movie. Now, I've got a sneaking suspicion that the movie was right. It's the phone company behind everything.

I base my theory on a recent report coming out of NORAD—you know the command center for our nuclear arsenal located inside the Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado. It seems that with the break-up of the Bell System, NORADS's phone bill went up 440%. The cost of once certain pick-up jack went from $7.50 to $445. The Air Force complained, but they had to pay.

Now the phones in question are those that link Cheyenne Mountain with the White House, the Pentagon, and to an alternated command site in Maryland where the President would be flown in case of an attack. Think about this: Can you imagine what power AT&T Information Systems has? If someone doesn't pay a bill, the U.S. nuclear arsenal would be frozen in place waiting for orders that come because the phone is disconnected. Or, if AT&T doesn't like the war we're fighting with the Russians, then zap! They cut off the phones.

That's incredible power. The movie was right. It's the phone company that runs things. We're all doomed. On second thought, maybe that's good. I'd rather have the phone company with its finger on the button than Ronald Reagan.

This is an election year and I think the folks in Palo Alto Country, Iowa are on to something. In the recent Democratic primary, a local radio station took a poll to determine the popularity of various candidates. The radio announcer would say the name of a candidate, and everyone who favored that candidate would flush their toilet at that time. They would then measure the drop in the water level at the local water tower and from the drop in the water, determine who's most popular. This is ingenious. We could save a whole lot of money used for running elections. Just use the flushing toilets which most everyone has. And besides, the flushing of a toilet is more symbolic of the type of leadership we usually get.

GRENADE OF THE MONTH

Let's give this month's grenade to William K Coors, chairman of the Coors Brewery. Coors had been subject to a boycott of organized labor because of the company's anti-union practices.

I guess that Chairman Coors wasn't happy with just the unions as his avowed enemy. So, he went before a group of minority business owners and told them that, "one of the best things (slave traders) did for you is to drag your ancestors over here in chains." Then he got to the subject of economic problems of Black-governments in Africa; these problems existed, he said, because of the lack of the "intellectual capacity to succeed."

I wonder if he got his intelligence on the African countries from Lyndon LaRouche or the National Security Council.