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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

Tomas Borge is the Interior Minister of Nicaragua. He recently planned to visit the U.S. to make a few speeches and attend some meetings. The State Department granted his visa, and he was all set. Then Ronnie Reagan stepped in and denied the visa.

What was Ronnie afraid of? Borge had planned to speak to "Establishment" lawyers, businessmen and journalist. It wasn't too many years ago (I believe the peanut farmer was president) when this country allowed a rugby team from South Africa to come here on a goodwill tour.

We allowed representatives of a country which enslaves a whole race of people to come and try to establish good will but we refuse to establish good will but we refuse to establish a dialogue which could help prevent another Vietnam in Nicaragua. Then again, maybe some people want it that way.

What is this? Is my head turned around? Maybe this is 1984 and this is doublethink. War had become peace and peace has become war. There is a new hero—the Pentagon and the military establishment. The Pentagon came out and said that our policy-makers were wrong to have Marines in Lebanon, and then we get this quote from recently retired Major General Kermit Johnson, ex-Chief of Army Chaplains (you know, the guy who blessed the body count in Vietnam): "I became very ill-at-ease- at being even a small part of this present U.S. Administration. I don't agree with our interventionist policy in Latin American. I'm very exercised about human rights, civil rights and the environment. I feel that contrary to what the Moral Majority says, many of the basic positions of this Administration are immoral. They offend not just my faith but my humanity." Right on General!

Alas! Just when I thought the Pentagon was getting righteous I read where the Defense Department is paying somewhere from $11 to $14 million a year for Congressional members to journey around the world. They supply the planes and they also supply escort officers. These officers carry along bags of money to be used for meals, lodging and entertainment for the politicians. Sometimes they bring along trunks full of food and booze and other goodies for the convenience of the Congress-people.

I guess the military does this so that the members of Congress have a good feeling inside when it comes time to cote money for the latest missiles, bombers and tanks—tanks like the Abrams which requires the removal of the engine in order to change the oil. Maybe an escort officer should be assigned to every Abrams tank: he could keep it well lubricated.

Then there's Charles Wick, U.S Information Agency Director. He's the guy who got caught making secret tape recordings of his phone conversations. He was little piqued at Maggie Thatcher, boss lady of Great Britain. He didn't like it that she opposed the invasion of Grenada, and he blamed in on the fact that she is a woman. He should know better. After all, Maggie conducted a major invasion of the Falkland Islands. (Hey! Maybe that's a new NATO policy to stick it to the Russians: invade little, out-of-the-way islands and claim victory for the good guys. Latest reports have sighted the Italian Navy off the coast of Gilligan's Island.)

Anyway, old Charlie realized his criticism of Maggie was uncalled for, so he said, "Please don't print what I just said; I'll never get back to London." I don't think he is really afraid of not getting back to London. All he has to do is find the right military escort officer. No, he was afraid someone might associate him with James Watt, Ronald Reagan or others of this Administration with foot-in-the-mouth disease. Actually I think Charles is a nostalgia freak. He wants to go back to the past, to be part of Watergate—and back to the days when women were women: in their place, not invading islands.

And you thought your DI was bad. Latest scuttlebutt from basic training at Ft Benning is that some Di's are forcing trainees to engage in homosexual acts. Let's hope these sadist are caught. Better yet, let's hope they get spearhead Reagan's next invasion.

Depravity in the military may begin basic, but it goes all the way to the top. A Pentagon study of phone calls made by the Defense Intelligence Agency found that $25,000 a month in calls were made to one New York number. The number? Dial-a-Porn.

Maybe these intelligence officers figure that the Russian were behind it, trying to undermine the moral fiber of our country. They would have done better looking for this type of Russian agents by calling Ft Benning.

Some intelligence officers are kinky. Others are just stupid, like those in State Department who sent a top secret file cabinet to the prison at Lorton, Virginia where it was supposed to be repaired. Unfortunately, they forgot to remove the files and inmates made copies. So, if you want information on foreign embassies, you might check somewhere in the prison grapevine. Too bad the intelligence reports that encourage involvement in Vietnam hadn't been sent to Sing Sing.

Did you see where they held a new kind of NATO maneuvers in Germany? This new maneuver required the use of bulldozers. They were practicing how to do mass burials of battlefield casualties. I suppose that with the arrival of Pershing II and Cruise missiles in Europe, they have to get ready for the results of their deployment. I'm sure this does wonders for the confidence of the European people we're over there defending.

Grenade Of The Month

We have to give this month's grenade to Presidential advisor Ed Meese. Following in the mouthprints of Ronald Reagan, James Watt, Charles Wick and others, Meese let slip with more of the Administration's inner thoughts. Meese said, "People go to soup kitchens because the food is free and that's easier paying for it."

Meese made his statement and then backed it up by saying there is no authenticated hunger in the land. This all happens while the Administration is planning to cut back on health benefits, social security for the handicapped and food stamps.

A couple of days later there was this Christmas party for some rich folks. They had smoked trout, prime rib, plum pudding and three kinds of wine. How can anyone imagine that there are hungry people around? Presiding as Santa Claus for the affair was—jolly Ed Meese, of course. No, Virginia, don't count on Santa Claus.

Maybe next Christmas Ed Meese will get a lump of coal in this stocking—or better yet, a frag.