Download PDF of this full issue: v11n4.pdf (8.2 MB)

Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

Did you see where Reagan gave a $10,000 bonus to four secret service agents who were with him when he was shot. Three other agents got bonuses of $1000 or more—and that's pretty good combat pay.

Hell, if I remember right I got somewhere around $65 a month while I was in Vietnam. Now I don't want to say that these agents weren't brave, or that they weren't risking their lives. They were. But a grunt in Vietnam didn't see but about $800 a year and he put his ass on the line many times; he didn't have 8-hour shifts, and his duties didn't include many state banquets or balls—and he got at least as many purple hearts as these guys.

Maybe the difference in combat pay comes because troops in the military are so crude. That's what the Army would have you believe if you read the guidebook given to the members of the 4th Infantry Division at Ft Carson before they headed for Germany for Reforger Exercises ( that's the yearly picnic where U.S. troops are flown to Germany to tear up the German countryside, kill four or five civilians, tow or three GI's and a bunch of livestock as we pretend to turn back a Russian invasion).

The guidebook is supposed to tell the troops how to behave during Reforger. Among its illustrations is a picture of an infantryman wearing a horned helmet with a ball and chain saying, "Whoopie, now's my chance to rape, burn and pillage and jay-walk all over Germany."

Of course that's why GIs go to Germany since they're nothing but a bunch of animals to start with. Jaywalking all over Germany. But then the book goes on to say, "Wrong. You ain't on your block." It's too bad, fellow; you can't go rape and pillage just like you used to do back home.

No doubt, somewhere in the 4th Division are some criminal souls, but the guidebook's a bit off base. It was printed too late for Vietnam and a little too early for El Salvador or Nicaragua or Libya or whatever's next. "Don't get grabby with the frauleins, " it says: " you ain't part of no conquering Army." It must be part of official Army policy that when we are a conquering Army ( as we were supposed to be in Vietnam) then it's fine to rape, pillage, burn and grab frauleins.

Well, by now the troops are back home. Let's hope that none of them got caught jaywalking. It might ruin the Army's image!

SAVING MONEY

The Army has come up with a new way to save money. Since ammunition for some artillery pieces costs so much money, they've got an experimental program going on down at Ft Stewart. Instead of live ammo, they're using computer games—like the kind you find at arcades or hoop up to your TV.

The idea is that hitting a moving target on the screen develops hand-eye coordination. The Army says that "there appears on the screen a potential real life-threat vehicle." Of course these "life-threat" vehicles are supposed to look like non-NATO vehicles, just like the "aggressors" when we were in training always wore black PJ's.

This is a great innovation. Now GI's can prepare for battle in the pinball room. No cold nights under the stars and in the rain. A beer between games. No one shooting back. All you have to do is shoot at asteroid invaders or dive bombers with a push of your button. At least that's sort of like practicing against MIGs and Backfire bombers.

And it's not a laughing matter, either. Think of the potential. This may be a giant step toward world peace. Just think: someday we might be fighting the Russians over some chunk of sand in the Middle East. Instead of sending troops there, we could get on the hotline and and make a deal; "Hello, Leonid. I'll send my best players to meet your best at this arcade in Paris on the left bank. Winner takes Kuwait—deal?"

This way we will have cleaner wars. With them cutting back on V.A. hospital care, we can't afford too many casualties—maybe those in Washington can, but we can't.

If nothing else, using games will save a few bucks. The Army will need the extra money to buy Worchestershire sauce. After all, they just spent $6,000 to do a 17-page study on how to buy a 15-ounce bottle of Worchestershire sauce ( which costs $1.50). I don't know why they made the study. You're supposed to use Worchestershire sauce on steak and I don't remember getting much steak in the Army. Maybe they use it at the Pentagon in one of their many subsidized dining rooms. They probably do, but they felt that $1.50 a bottle wasn't up to the standards of a colonel—so they inflated the price.

GRENADE OF THE MONTH

This month's winner of the Grenade of the Month award is Ronnie Reagan, formerly of Death Valley Days and new quarterback for the Republican Party. Out campaigning for the presidency, Ronnie mentioned that it was too bad Vietnam vets were refused the GI Bill. While it's truce that the GI Bill is no bed of roses, at least there is one.

Ronnie's excuse for this blunder was that he listened to a retired Admiral and retired 3-star General. Just wait until the joint chiefs assure him that something as stupid as a rescue mission to Iran will have no problems whatever! As one commentator has noted, with Reagan you can walk through the waters of his mind and never get your feet wet. It would be funny if it weren't for the possibility that his wrinkled finger will be on the nuclear button.