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Fraggin'

By Bill Shunas

"The Times they Are A'Changing"

When I was in, it seemed like the U.S. Army would never change. It felt like medieval times without the castle walls. You were supposed to kiss your sword, kiss someone's ass and defend your kingdom with your honor. To think anything different—well, you weren't supposed to think. It seemed like some things would never change.

But things are changing—things you could not believe. When you think of the army, what do you think of? Your buddies, fatigues, spit-shined boots, barracks and jeeps. Well, spit-shined boots and jeeps are on their way out. Both will be gone by the mid '80s. Spit shines are out because enemies using infra-red lenses can spot foot soldiers with spit shines. Jeeps are out because they need a modern utility vehicle—one that can carry small missiles or something.

What are all the sergeants going to do? I can hear it now. " Soldier, your boots are filthy. Get down and give me fifty!"

"But sarge, it's against regulations to shine my boots."

And then the poor sergeant starts crying, and they carry him away.

But most sergeants are resourceful. They'll figure out new ways to be assholes. Rifle cleaning should get to be very popular. I predict that the dry shave will make a big comeback. I remember back in basic when we had a week in the field. I didn't change razor blades beforehand so it was dull by the second or third day. I got caught in inspection. Then, the big, fat sergeant stood there grinning underneath his Smoke Bear hat with spittle coming our of his mouth while I dry shaved with my dull razor. Yeah, dry shaving should be big.

But the jeep? How can they get rid of the jeep? I remember the jeeps I drove with affection. There was the one where you put the pedal to the metal and it stayed there until you reached down and pulled it back. In most of them you could hurt your back trying to step on the brake. Then there were those where the gears always froze. Right in the middle of the Delta and the damn gears freeze. But jeeps were fun too—like when you took a curve at 45 MPH or when we got the generals' brand new jeep and drove it into Saigon for a little R&R. One thing I'll say for the jeep. It taught you how to deal with a lot of situations.

Bread & Water

The jeep and spit shine may be gone, but I guess the military really doesn't change all that much. It's still medieval. Paul Trerice found that out the hard way. It cost him his life. Paul was on the USS Ranger. He had a good time in Hong Kong, stayed a little too long and got thrown in the brig for it.

In the brig he was given bread and water for 48 hours and made to run and calisthenics as part of his discipline. He died of heatstroke and cardiac arrest. A spokesman for the Pacific Fleet said that this was not unusual treatment for the correctional custody units.

It wasn't all that unusual treatment for medieval times either, but this is supposed to be 1981!

Dead Asses for the Navy

Life is cheap for the Navy. We all know that. Now they want permission to resume shooting wild burros at the Weapons Center at China Lakes, California. It seems that the burros stray onto the runway and cause problems, and it costs about $50 to shoot a burro and $500 to trap one and relocate it.

They're very conscious of cost efficiency. It reminds me of the figures they used in Vietnam. I think it cost something like $16,000 in ammunition to kill one VC. Only, since there were a lot of civilians killed, the dollars spent per enemy was probably higher. But, if you include the destruction of animal life and the environment, the figure is lower and you get more bank for the buck.

At least that's how these cost-analysis people figure it. A certain number of dollars equals one life. However it comes out, the bottom line is that they treat the burros like they treat the seaman and they treat the seaman like they treat the burros.

Higher Education

A lot of fellows ended up stuck in the military and then stuck in places like 'Nam because of who their daddy is.

Take Amy Carter, for instance. Up until a few months ago she lived in a nice house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington. One weekend she was having trouble with her homework. She had a problem doing a paper on the Industrial Revolution so she went to her momma with the problem. Her momma told one of her aides who went to the Labor Department with the problem.

It was Friday so the folds at the Labor Department worked overtime on the weekend on what they though were orders from the White House. Sunday afternoon, a truck rolled up to the door with a computer printout on the Industrial Revolution. It all cost the taxpayers s couple of hundred thousand dollars.

So Amy turned in her homework but she only got a "C." Maybe that why the Carters are no longer living in the White House: they weren't cost efficient. An old Navy man like Jimmy should have known that she could buy a much cheaper and well done term paper at the local college.

Grenade of the Month

This month's grenade goes to Congressman Larry McDonald of Georgia. He's the kind of fascist dimwit who could probably merit a grenade every month. He's a bit looney and a leader of the John Birch Society. He probably has an honorary membership in the Wrightsville, GA American Legion Post—the one famous for its segregated swimming pool.

Anyway, he gets the grenade for a bill he introduced in Congress that would bar women from the military academies. It seems that he thinks it is a waste of time and money to train females because they can't be leaders anyway.

Then there's the problem of foxholes in firefights. He's afraid that men and women might get so carried away in a foxhole that they won't defend their position (or cover their ass?)

I don't know if this is more stupid or more sexist. Maybe McDonald is still scared of the hippies, afraid they will infiltrate the military with their philosophy of "make love, not war."